In Order To Live Again
by AlessanaVargas
Summary: When love is lost, sometimes we need to remember what that love gave us instead of what we lost in order to live again.
1. Prologue

**A/N: This just came into my mind last night, and I haven't been able to shake it. Let me know what you think of it….**

**Warning: Deals with the death of a character.**

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Ever since I was a little girl, I haven't been fond of fairy tale stories, or love stories. I don't like unfinished tales and I never really believed in "Happily Ever After". I wasn't even sure that love truly existed, not in the romantic novels type of love, not how they describe it. I always hoped to find someone I could be comfortable with, someone who made me feel at least a little bit of what is exposed in those novels; settle down, have a family, read fairy tales to my kids hoping they would believe in them the way I couldn't.

I used to sit at the dinner table with my mom and my dad watching them and wondering if they ever loved each other, if they ever believed in love. I would try to imagine them being younger and happy, sharing smiles and all the things people in love are supposed to do, but I couldn't. I could only imagine them as they were now, neither happy nor unhappy, just, settled, calmed, smiling to each other every now and then, being polite to each other and I figured, if love wasn't real then what they had was all I needed to get.

I had already made my mind about it and was finally content with that thought when, suddenly, it all changed. He changed, she changed, they drove my sister away and they pushed me into building a fortress around myself, driving me even deeper in my thoughts of love just being an illusion made up by people who needed to believe it existed. But I didn't, I knew it wasn't real and I knew I wouldn't need it in my life. I had been fine without it, and would continue to be fine for the rest of my days.

As the years went by, I continued to dig myself deeper and deeper into my emotionless fortress, I continued to build my walls taller and thicker. I found myself a guy who I though fit the standards I had made for myself on my childhood years. Highschool was the place people usually found "love" and I was set to find something like it there, and he was more than willing to play the part. He said he loved me, and I smiled back not believing in his words because I didn't believe in it myself.

My father approved of him, my mother thought I could do better but never failed to smile when he was around, and I didn't feel much with him, but I felt much more that without him so I decided he would be the one. And once again, just when I thought everything was settled my world turned upside down again, I let the worse of me take over and I got pregnant. My world was ending, I couldn't be any lower than I was, I was homeless, loveless, lonely. I couldn't be any more hopeless.

I closed off even more. Happiness was only meant for books, love was only meant for books, smiles and holding hands and sweet words whispered in lovers ears where just meant for people who would allow themselves to believe. But I was not going to allow myself that, I knew better.

I had given up an all of that, when it hit me. It hit me like a train at full speed, it hit me like a power hose shot directly at me, it hit me like one would hit the ground after jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. I was sitting by myself outside the choir room after it was revealed I was pregnant with another guy's child. I was sitting alone listening to a small ringing in my ears, trying to feel my heartbeat, I was sitting alone with nothing but silence surrounding me when I hear her. I heard the small whisper of the voice that would later save me from my own hopelessness.

"I'm sorry"

I heard it and I felt something, so I looked up and found a pair of brown eyes looking right at me, and in that moment I saw something in them, something that looked like life, something that looked like reality and safety. I stared at those eyes while they looked right into my soul.

"I'm sorry"

Was whispered once again and I could feel my heart beating for the first time in years. It was overwhelming and I didn't know what to say, but I couldn't move. She sat next to me and I felt her hand in mine. I could almost see as a little part of her life transferred into me.

"I want to be alone right now"

That was all I could say, and it was a lie, I didn't want to be alone anymore, but how could I tell her that? How was I supposed to know she was going to be the one that would make me believe in what I had never been able to? How was I supposed to know that she would be the one that would make me love?

But she was, and she did. For many years after that, and until this very day I still love for her. even if she is not here anymore, I still feel because of her, and I still feel only for her.

Some love stories begin with a look and end with a kiss.

Some begin with "Hello" and end in "Happy Ever After".

But not mine, mine begins with "I'm Sorry" and ends with "Forever". I will be forever hers, as she will be mine forever too.

Sometimes, when love is lost, when love is ripped from you so quickly you need to be reminded of what that love gave you instead of what you lost in order to breathe again. And this is what I am doing now, I need to remember what she gave me, instead of what was taken from me.

My name is Quinn Fabray-Berry, and this is the story of how I was saved by an angel, a singing angel who filled my life with music and love until the very end.

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**A/N: What do you think?**

**Second chapter will be posted later today. **


	2. Silence

**A/N: As promised. Second chapter here. I tried to upload it earlier but work has been awful today. Hopefully you'll like it too!**

**A/N2: I apologize, I was in a hurry last night and I re-uploaded the first chapter. Here's the good one!**

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"I want to be alone right now"

I had learned to speak against what I really wanted, to hide it well, it was never easy but those words I had to let them out with such a big effort that they came out harsh and I felt her jump a little and take her hand from me. I could feel a small amount of warmth on the spot her hand touched mine. But as soon as she stood up silence embraced me once again and something awakened in me for just an instant and I reached for her hand pulling her back down.

"Quinn, I'm…"

I shook my head before she finished, I didn't want her to apologize. She had done nothing wrong and I was not mad at her. I didn't want her to apologize because she had done something I didn't think possible; even if I didn't really understand the magnitude of what she was doing then.

I didn't say a word, I didn't make eye contact, I didn't even lift my head. I was afraid any movement would make my heart stop beating again. I held her hand tighter and, as if I was in a black and white movie, I could almost see how her touch brought colour back into my life and I couldn't keep my eyes off of our hands.

A small tear rolled out of my eye before I even knew it was there, but she saw it and when her hand touched my cheek to brush it away I couldn't help but to lean into her and pulled her hands so that she would wrap me in a tight hug. It was so sudden I heard her gasp and for a moment I was afraid she would turn around and leave, but she didn't, she held me and something happened to me, something happened inside of me and I couldn't hold back anymore. I started to cry as she held me, I wasn't really aware of why I was crying but I couldn't stop myself.

I still don't know how long we were there, it seemed like hours to me but it might have been only a couple of minutes. I just cried, and she just held me as if we were the closest of friends.

Once I could gain a little control again I sat up so that I could look her in the eyes, those brown gorgeous eyes that would become my safe world, and I was surprised to see her a little teary too. I could tell she had held back for me and I felt my heart beating stronger this time.

She looked at me asking if I was okay, I didn't know how I knew that's what she was trying to say to me, and she must have seen in my eyes that I was, at least in that moment, because she nodded and gave me a little smile.

I would find out later that soul mates don't need words to communicate, that a look or a touch can be enough to say even the longest of sentences and the deepest of feelings.

"We should go home now Quinn"

She said it softly and it set me off again, I could feel a new wave of tears building behind my eyes and I shut them to stop them from flowing. I had cried enough and I couldn't let myself cry anymore. And she noticed.

"What is it Quinn? Do you need a ride?"

I don't know why I laughed at that, she sounded so honest, so genuinely concerned and I couldn't help but laugh because, well… I didn't have anywhere to go and I just realized that, there was no way Finn would allow me to stay in his house anymore, staying at Puck's was just something I didn't even want to think about and going back to my dad's house was just out of the question.

As quickly as I laughed I started to cry again and I shook my head. I could tell she was confused and I managed to brokenly say.

"I… I don't think I have anywhere to stay anymore"

I didn't have anywhere to stay anymore, I was a pregnant teen ager with no home, with nothing, and it hit had just hit me, just how really alone I was. Tears silently slid down my cheeks and I let go of her hand because suddenly all my strength was gone. I let go and she didn't let my hand fall, just as she wouldn't let me fall countless times in the following years.

She kneeled in front of me and forced me to look at her.

"Yes you do"

She pulled me up and walked us to her car. I never noticed how strong she really was until that moment, when we were walking down the hall, her holding my hand. And I don't mean a physical strength, she had a strong heart, a strong soul and she was holding me up with it.

I knew it was a 15 minute ride from school to her house. She turned on the radio and I flinched at the sounds coming out of it, I turned it off quickly because I couldn't handle them. It was too much noise and I just needed a little peace.

She started to sing quietly first, almost beyond a whisper, but I heard her and I couldn't help but to raise my head hoping to hear her better. I could see a slight smile on her face at my actions and she started singing louder.

I don't really remember what she was singing, all I remember is how I could feel her voice filling every empty space inside of me. She sang all the way to her house.

Once we got there I hesitated to get out of the car, what if her dads told her I couldn't stay there? What if she changed her mind?

"Everything is okay Quinn. Let's go inside"

We walked in and straight to her room and when we were settled there she went down stairs to talk to her dads and came up with a pair of pants and a big t-shirt which belonged to one of them. She showed me the bathroom and I went in there to change.

I looked like a mess, my face was red and my eyes swollen. I looked broken but, I didn't feel so broken at that moment. I washed my face and came out, Rachel was already in her sleeping clothes and I hoped I could spend the night in her room.

"Should I… I mean, is there another room or…?"

She scoffed as if I had said something funny and I arched my eyebrow.

"Nonsense Quinn. You're staying here with me"

I smiled, an honest smile and walked to her bed. It was warm and soft, and I started to get sleepy instantly. She turned off the lights and I held her close to me.

It was silent and she started singing again. That was the last thing I heard that night.

Rachel never really liked silence, she always said that we had voices for a reason and we should use them as much as we could and I would tell her that we have ears too and we should use them more too. I'd say she had that voice for a reason and I would gladly listen to her if she wanted to use it. And I would still do.


	3. Whispers and Shadows

**A/N: Hey! I wanted to update this sooner but I had a little bit of a block. But hopefully, I powered through it and you'll like it. Please R&R and THANK YOU for reading!**

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I had her to call my own.

I had her to hold, to kiss.

To love.

To whisper words of forever and eternity into the shadows knowing she was there to hear them; knowing that I would have them whispered back, even when I didn't deserve them she'd always say them back and then the shadows would light up with the sound of her voice.

And now, as I lay awake in the middle of an empty bed, in the darkest of shadows that the night possesses I can't find the voice, not even the smallest of whispers to ease the smoldering silence surrounding me, for I know there will be no answer in it.

After a while of just laying here, in silence and shadows without actually knowing if my eyes are open or not, I fear I have been swallowed by it all, the nothingness around me… or maybe I have been absorbed by the void in my heart, I can't really tell and I don't really care right now.

I don't know how long I have been lying here and I wonder what time it is, and for a moment I am not sure about what day it is either. It seems I have forgotten all about time and everything that comes with it. I feel myself sinking deeper because I used to be always aware of my surroundings, always looking forward to the future and all the things that were going to come, always planning… but now? I can't bring myself to care about any of that, I don't care about what time is it, I don't care what day it is. There's no point anymore, it's all pointless without her.

"_Ugh!"_

I hate thinking like that, I shouldn't, she wouldn't have, I am sure she would be lecturing me right now about being positive and that better things are yet to come. And I sigh as I wish I could sink deeper in the bed.

"_My love, always the optimistic one"._

Light slowly starts to make the curtains shine, shadows slowly become just shades and darkness starts to dissipate, turning into blurry spots of light and small rainbows reflected on the walls.

I feel relieved, I feel like I can breathe again.

The sun is still shining and sunrise was Rachel's favourite part of the day and maybe, just maybe, if I let myself sleep now, the heat from the first rays of daylight might warm me up just a little bit, just enough so that I can imagine she's still next to me.

I close my eyes and I can notice how the room is getting brighter and brighter. Rachel loved the light; she chose the curtains so that as soon as the sun started to come out the room lit up, I never really liked the idea, just on winter nights because of the warmth that started to fill the room.

I start to get lost in memories of laughter and light, of warmth and sunshine with her, and I start to drift away to sleep.

I start to get lost in memories of quiet I Love You's as my eye lids close and my mind finally shuts off and travels to another reality.

"I Love You Rach"

It comes out as a whisper because I don't have anymore strength to speak out loud, and as soon as the words leave my mouth I am already asleep.

I let myself get lost in the memories of whispers that make the shadows disappear.

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I had been staying at the Berry's for two weeks already and things were slowly starting to get a back to normal. None of the Berry men had been unwelcoming or hostile towards me, which is not what I was expecting considering that they knew the story between Rachel and me. They had been hesitant at first, I could feel it whenever it came to leaving us alone together, but I was set on proving I was not who they thought I was, to earn their trust… I wanted to prove them I could be trusted, I wanted to prove Rachel she didn't make a mistake, and I needed to prove myself I could change… that there was something in me that was worth something.

Living at the Berry's was not at all like my father's house, everything was brighter and full of energy, even the sun appeared to be brighter when going through the windows, it felt warm and safe. It mad me feel like was I was able to breathe freely, well unless Rachel happened to be near me because she literally took my breath away.

If someone had told me four months earlier that it would be Rachel Berry the one who would make me feel safe I would've order slushies on them for a whole week. But, it was her, it felt like an invisible magnetic field that constantly pulled me to her, I didn't want to be apart from her at all. At the time I thought it was only because I felt some sort of debt towards her, for picking me up, for giving a place to stay, for believing in me… for giving me a second chance, which no one had ever given me, not even my own father. But I think that in some level I always knew what I felt, or was beginning to feel.

Between all the looks at school, the uncomfortable tension at Glee club, watching the Cheerios on their uniforms and dealing with hormones I was slowly starting to get angrier every day.

Every other day I'd miss my room, my bed and the silence that came with it. I'd even miss Finn's sometimes, the guy would probably brag about me living there with him and he might even say that we made out all the time while I was there, but the truth is that we barely even spoke to each other, between him not really knowing what to say and me feeling guilty over lying to him, we didn't really spend time together. He'd leave me be most of the time and I missed that a little bit. I had always been used to that, silence, being by myself with no one to really talk to and living with Rachel was the exact opposite of hat; everyone was always joyful and talking, sharing their feelings, talking about their day. They were always close to each other, hugging, kissing, exchanging words of encouragement and appreciation, and I didn't know how to act, it was something that I had never had on my father's house and it frustrated me because I wanted to be a part of that, I wanted to be able to be joyful and tell people that I cared about how I felt, and to be able to be comfortable with people hugging me. I wanted to be able to hug Rachel, and to tell her dads how grateful I was to them, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was something inside of me that stopped me from fully enjoying and, added to all the other things, it was soon becoming too much.

The explosion was inevitable, and though I wish it had happened a bit differently I am thankful for that talk because it changed something between the two of us that would be the beginning of our journey together.

It was the Friday of the third week of my stay at the Berry's and everything started off wrong. I was particularly moody and hormonal that day, the sun was shining too bright, not a cloud in the sky and I was extremely hot and that made me cranky. We were heading back from school and it was one of the most uncomfortable silences I had experienced, I had been angry all day and I had been trying to avoid Rachel and her perkiness, I really was not in the mood for that and I didn't want to lash out on her.

As soon as we got to her house I went upstairs to the guest bedroom which was now mine; I stayed at Rachel's bedroom for 2 nights but it was getting impossible for me to actually sleep next to her; and I locked myself in it. Rachel's dads were not there yet and Finn was coming to see Rachel, an encounter I did not want to have. I heard her call my name but I didn't look back.

Somehow I managed to fall asleep, if only for 15 minutes, and I woke up feeling a little bit less upset and I realized that Rachel was still out there and that I had to apologize to her. I hadn't heard the doorbell so I figured Finn hadn't come; I slid outside the bedroom trying not to make any sounds, I didn't want Rachel to be aware that I was out so that I could think a way to apologize to her. I heard her voice as it traveled through the hallway and from the down floor and my heart sped up, as it always did, and I smiled.

I took a few more steps when I heard another voice and froze. Finn was there; I deflated a little and felt angry again, so I turned around on my heels to return to the bedroom.

"No Finn, I already told you I can't. At least not today okay?"

I stopped because Rachel sounded upset and I hated that, specially knowing it was Finn's doing.

"But Rach! Why not? It is just a dinner date. Please Rach, I just wanna hang out with you"

I rolled my eyes and the tone of his voice, whinny like a freaking 6 year old asking for a candy. I couldn't believe that he was actually asking her out! My hands started shaking with anger and I had to remember to breathe normally.

"No Finn, I'm sorry, maybe we can go out another time. But Quinn's here and…"

"_Quinn? _Rachel are you serious? After everything you're blowing me off because she's here?"

My jaw dropped and my breath hitched, I didn't even know what I was feeling in that moment. There were so many emotions but just one thought in my mind. I was not only a burden to the Berry men by being there without being able to give back anything, but… I was also a burden to Rachel?

Tears threatened to fall but I shook them off, I wanted to leave but I needed to hear Rachel's answer. And, I got my wish.

"She's my friend Finn, and I am not going to leave her alone right now. Please understand that!"

"Understand what Rachel? That you're blowing me off to babysit her? Did you think I didn't notice how she avoided you today? Or how she's still distant with you? After all you've done for her? She cheated on me and then she lied about it! She wouldn't even talk to _me _when she was staying over! What? Do you expect that she'll be different with you?"

I didn't notice I was holding my breath until I had to inhale from the tears that were now flowing freely down my cheeks. He was right, and that meant that something was incredibly wrong. Finn's never right about anything.

I did my best to not start sobbing right there, I had to get myself together, at least long enough to walk back to the bedroom. My heart was beating rapidly, my hand was shaking as I tried to hold on to the wall for support. I heard her sigh and speak, her voice low and apparently calmed but with a distinct note of disappointment and finality.

"Finn, I won't let you talk about her like that. And since you have clearly nothing good to say I must ask you to leave now."

"Are you serious right now Rachel?"

This was it. This was Rachel's opportunity to leave…. I put my free hand over my chest preparing myself for the heartbreak.

"Yes, Finn. Please, leave now and don't call me."

I heard her open the door, I heard him scoff, I heard her close the door and let out a long breath and I couldn't control myself anymore, a sob escaped me and the hand I had placed on my chest went immediately to my mouth trying to stop any others from coming.

"_Damn hormones!"_

"Quinn?"

I closed my eyes because I couldn't move, and for a moment I wished that was enough for her not to notice me, but sooner rather than later her hand was on my shoulder trying to make me turn around but I literally couldn't, any movement would make me fall to my knees. Her hand slid around me as she turned to face me and I swooned at the gesture; she didn't want to break contact. Her hand was now on my cheek and I met her eyes. Big brown eyes were staring at me, waiting on me and I shook my head feeling angry at myself once again.

"You didn't have to do that you know? Blow him off because of me, you don't have to babysit me Rachel. You can go out if you want to."

She took back her hand and burrowed her brow, confusion evident in her eyes and a little bit of something very much like anger too.

"I mean it, I know I am not the greatest company and he obviously wants to be with you. You should've just gone with him."

"But… Quin… What?"

I shook my head once again, I didn't even know what I was saying, or why I was saying it I just needed to say it.

"He also has a point you know? "

"A point? What do you mean Quinn?"

I huffed and shook my head again, tears threatening to spill once again.

"Nothing Rachel. Just, forget it!"

"_Please! Just, let it go. Please!"_

She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Fine! He's right Rachel, I am not open or affectionate like Finn would be with you. I don't know how to act around a loving family like yours, I don't know how to be around people who expect nothing from me. I… and You… and you have been nothing but amazing to me, you and your dads have been nothing but incredible and forgiving and caring and I still can't find it in myself to…"

I took a step back and my hands immediately found my stomach and my chest, I tried to breathe and I tried to stop the tears from streaming down freely once again, but I failed.

"Quinn…"

She reached out to me and I took another step back.

"I can't be that person Rach, I don't know how"

It was just above a whisper and it was more for myself than for her ears, I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say and I didn't want it to end in a screaming match, or in me hurting her.

"Rach…"

My back found a wall and I slid down and fell on my knee looking at the ceiling trying to find my breath, trying to find the words I wanted to say. Her hands found mine, she grabbed them tightly and I held on.

"Rach, I…. I am so sorry. I am sorry for being a burden to your dads and I am sorry you feel that you have to keep yourself from doing things just to stay here with me, and I'm sorry I don't know how to be as affectionate as I'd like to be, and I'm sorry I don't know how to express my gratitude to you or your dads."

I was visibly shaking and sobbing now, my words left my mouth between whimpers and chokes, I couldn't stop crying and Rachel was just sitting there staring at me, looking in my eyes for something and I hoped to God she found what she was looking for because maybe that way she'd know what I wanted to say without me having to say it. And apparently she found something because she took a deep breath and she looked at me with a serious gaze.

"Quinn, listen to me okay? You are not a burden to any of us okay? My dads have grown to really care for you, they had some struggle at first, specially my Daddy but you have proven to them that you are not who they thought you were. They really care about you, and they don't mind that you are here at all. Okay?"

She searched for my eyes and I looked at her and nodded faintly. She smiled.

"As for me and what happened with Finn. You know better than to actually listen to him, you know how he is, he talks without thinking and he says things out of spite and anger trying to make himself look as the victim. I don't feel that I _have_ to stay here and _babysit_ you, you are fully capable of caring for yourself if I ever decide to go out. I _want_, listen to me carefully okay Quinn? I _want _to be here with you, I _want _to be here for you, and I plan on being here always."

"Rachel, why? How? How can you find it in you to be that way with me? I can't even hug you for more than a few seconds for goodness sake! I can't even properly say "Thank you" to your dads! I want for nothing more than to be able to do that but, I … I can't! I just… I don't know how! I have never had anyone really care for me ever, I had never had anyone to actually want to hold me or that I wanted to hug or be affectionate with. I just… I have been… I have felt alone all my life and now? It 's just so overwhelming and amazing, and I don't know how to deal with it…"

I didn't know what else to say, everything was bottled up in a lump in my throat and in my chest and I was just sobbing now. A crying mess, and Rachel was holding me, letting me crumble with no intention of throwing it in my face.

Darkness and shadows were clouding my mind, tears were clouding my eyes and I just wanted to shake them off, I wanted to see the light and tear down my walls.

She sighed against my head and she whispered to me:

* "Just know you're not alone. I'm going to make this place your home."

And the tears stopped, and the shadows went away. And I smiled.

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**A/N: * Reference to Phillip Phillips' song "Home"**


	4. Time

**A/N: Hey! I am SO SO SO sorry for the long delay! But I have almost finished the next update, if only to buy your forgiveness! **

**I do hope you enjoy this and don't hate me so much!**

**HAPPY HOLIDAYS**

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Friday is our day – no, _my _day to see Beth, and the fact that it is all happening in a Friday makes me laugh bitterly; she's 20 now, she is as badass as Puck, as outspoken and strong as Rachel and Shelby, everyone says she has my eyes but hers are more expressive and shinier than mine, specially now. She's almost my height now and I can feel her shaking as she hugs me, it's still a few more hours until the funeral but I know just how heartbroken she is, Rachel was many things to her, a sister, a friend, a mom, a confidant, a mentor I actually think, sometimes, that she loves Rachel more than me, not that I blame her though.

It was love at first sight for those two; Rachel always supported my decision of giving her away even when she always said it wouldn't be a problem for all of us to live at her house. She was there with me when Beth was born after our performance at Regionals. Even though she was the team captain no one objected when she left with me and Puck to the hospital; still in our regional's outfit she put on the hospital robe and her brave face, she held my hand through it all, she threatened to throw Puck out if he didn't stop complaining and became useful, she cried when Beth was born, she cut the chord and she was the first to hold her.

I could see how she had fallen in love with the baby and it broke my heart to know that she wouldn't be able to hold her once again, that I wouldn't be able to hold her once again, but it broke my heart even more when Rachel half whispered: _Why?_

Why Shelby? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Someone none of us knew? Why _her?_

If I didn't think I could feel worse than I was already feeling, then hearing and seeing Rachel when she made the question made me realize I could always feel worse. She was looking at her hands, trying not to cry, or yell at me or something, avoiding eye contact, she even flinched away when I tried to hold her hand. I had been trying to not cry, I had been trying so hard that my chest hurt, but when Rachel came in to the room and when her low broken voice reached my ears and when she flinched away and the first small tear fell I broke, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

So I broke.

We both did.

I apologized for everything, for past offenses, for past words, for everything. I apologized with all my heart and soul, hoping she would accept it, hoping she would see I was truthful… hoping I wouldn't lose her too.

I told her I wasn't thinking about her and her relation with Shelby, I told her she was the first one who wanted Beth and that she was willing to give her everything, so I said yes. I apologized for being selfish, I apologized for hurting her again, but I told her I didn't regret giving Beth to Shelby because I knew she would be good to her.

And now looking at her, all grown up I am glad I made the decision. Beth did grow up well, and it didn't matter that it took me a few years to get the courage enough to contact her because she had Rachel's ability to forgive, she absorbed so much of my Rachel that it both hurts and doesn't hurt to look at her.

My Rachel, I am so happy they both got time to spend together. I just wish they could've had more time.

I wish I could have more time.


	5. Where Is The Sun Now?

"You don't have to do this you know? Leave that is, you could spend the night Q".

Trying my best to hold myself together I stop walking and look over my shoulder to see my friend's eyes, as blue as ever and as full of worry as they have been since … Since she left us, _me._

"I just think it would be best if you stayed with us tonight, you don't have to be alone right now".

My eyes burn from all the tears that they have shed, it has been a hard day, a very long and hard day. The wake, the funeral, the speeches, everything had just been too exhausting and I just want to shut everything out.

I can see Santana taking Britt's hand in hers and I can't help but to feel jealous, and angry and proud at the same time and a couple of tears manage to escape me. They went through so much together, highschool, college, a couple of break ups, but they have always been there for each other and I couldn't be happier about it. They both loved Rachel and I know they're breaking too, but at least they have each other to hold on to.

I can see Santana's eyes and I can see she wishes I could stay, she wishes I would just stay and let them be there for me. But I can't, I can't break. They can fix each other, but not me, so I barely shake my head and she barely nods in understandment.

"Thanks Britt, but you guys ought to be together right now."

I try to summon a smile if only to ease her worrisome eyes, but I can't.

"Don't worry okay Britt? I'll just go back and sleep for a while. We'll see each other soon okay? Really I'll be…"

"_You'll be what? Fine? You can't lie to them."_

I take another breath and I try to finish the sentence, but I know I can't, I am too tired, I just whisper a small _Goodbye_ and turn to leave. Just as I get a hold of the doorknob I feel a soft warm hand on my wrist and I close my eyes, wishing it was Rachel's but knowing those hands are too big and too rough to be hers. I open them and I see Santana, her eyes shinning with tears and pleading me to say; the tears are now falling freely and hearts are breaking again, I didn't think it possible but it hurts more than it did seconds ago.

Santana's hand is heavy on mine now and the air seems somehow thicker, I just need to get away. I shake my head as more tears fall and leave their house.

/*/

I can barely hold the steering wheel as I drive back to our… _my _empty apartment; the thought brings tears to my eyes but I hold them back. My heart breaking so hard I can practically hear it, no matter how loud the music on the radio is playing.

…_Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)_

_Here comes the sun, and I say_

_It's all right…_

I stop, just stop the car and stare at the radio in disbelief…

How? After all these years… How is this song still on the radio?

… _Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right…_

I can't breathe. Out of all the songs in the world why did this one have to be playing right now?

…_Little darling, the smiles returning to their faces  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right…_

I can't do anything else but laugh, laugh through the heartbreak and the memories this song brings. Laugh at the desperation and the sadness.

And before I know it I am crying again.

…_Sun, sun, sun, here it comes  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes…_

And before I know it, I am humming the words.

And before I can stop myself I start to sing.

What else could I do?

…_Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear  
Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right…_

I sing between laughs and sobs.

I sing through the tears.

…_Here comes the sun  
Here comes the sun, and I say  
It's all right…_

The song is about to end and I wish it didn't.

_… It's all right …_

And I laugh because everything is far from it.

A loud car horn snaps me back to reality, I turn the radio off and I drive again.

…_It's all right…_

* * *

I had always loved The Beatles, their lyrics might not have been the deepest or anything but there was always something about them I found soothing.

It had only been a couple of months since … since Beth and I hadn't been really dealing with any of it. Finn had started being a little bit friendlier (I suspect it was Rachel's influence), Puck couldn't look at me, the Glee Club were trying desperately to cheer me up, even Brittany and Santana were looking at me like they were worried. Everyone was expecting a meltdown, and I was trying my best to avoid it but it was getting harder and harder with everyone treating me like I was made of glass. The only one treating me normally was Rachel, her hand rarely left mine those days and it was the only thing keeping me grounded.

Days went by and I was starting to fear that I had lost the ability to feel, I started training and running and pushing myself extremely hard but, nothing. I couldn't even feel the exhaustion from the work out.

I was desperate to feel something again, but I didn't want anyone to see me. I guess, I needed to break, but to break in front of anyone? No, I couldn't… I shouldn't.

But it happened, God it happened.

I was sitting on a bench at the mall and I saw him walk by, my father, he was with someone, a coworker I suppose, they asked him if "that girl on the bench wasn't his daughter?", he looked at me, right at me and said "No". I already knew that was how he felt, but it stirred something in me. It made me realize, I was no one's daughter, or mother, or sister, or girlfriend… I was no one's nothing.

I walked back to the Berry's, shaking, trying my best not to cry until I got there; and when I did I ran up to the guest room, I played a Beatles mix I had made and cried. I cried alone until I felt Rachel getting up in the bed with me and I felt her arms pulling me closer to her, her scent was a little bit comforting and I kept my eyes closed.

"Rach… I'm nothing"

I could feel her shaking her head and I pulled her closer to me, trying my best to control my crying but I couldn't, I couldn't stop it, it just kept coming, more tears and sobs and I just pulled her closer and closer trying to get lost in her.

"I'm no one anymore."

She made me turn around and look at her, tears on her own eyes. She wiped my tears and gave me a small kiss on the forehead.

"You are someone to me Quinn. You always will be".

She smiled at me and I made her promise that she wasn't lying._ I promise_ she said, she said it over and over while I cried it all out.

Here Comes the Sun started on the background, and she sang it, she sang it just for me and I smiled for the first time in months.

* * *

I can hear her singing those words over and over and it gives me the strength to enter what used to be our home.

I walk straight to the bedroom to change, but I can't get in the bed, it was supposed to be _our _bed, _ours_, and without her in it it's just cold and hard, like stone. I grab a couple of blankets and set up in the living room crashing down on the couch.

… _It's all right…_

And I fall asleep holding on to the sound of my memories.

* * *

**Song used was: Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles**


End file.
